Food Bourne Crisis
by Helenaxrobot
Summary: A parody of Star wars, written by my friend. Contains much innuendo, and hilarity ensues.


This is a parody of Star Wars that a friend of mine wrote for English class. (I wrote mine on Twilight, but because I have no talent in writing humor, I'm not going to put this one up). Hope you enjoy it! (All credit goes to Gates, author of this hilarious story.)

Food Bourne Crisis

A far time ago in a galaxy, long, long away these words begin to randomly stream through space: The evil Empirial Meals Corporation is in a heated battle with the Rebellion for a Better Breakfast. The Rebellion has intercepted secret plans for an unstoppable weapon of mass _cholesterol-ation_, which has the ability to turn any food into a greasy, fatty mess. Determined to stop this horrible menace, the Rebels have taken the plans to their top scientists on the planet _Alldataste _to find a weak point. The evil EMC, seeing this conveniently placed stream of words, sends their best man, Darth Large Boots, and his battle ship to take back the stolen plans.

Darth Large Boot's _Large Combo, _Destroyer-Class, intercepted the Rebels' corvette on their way to planet _Alldataste. _His Tater Troopers killed the last of the defending Rebel volunteers and captured one of the Rebellion's main leaders: Princess Large Breasts, known for her recruitment methods and rallying ability. Although she denied involvement in the Rebellion, Darth Large Boots quickly saw through her coverings and ordered her detained in the _Large Combo_. However, what the dark commander did not realize was the Princess Large Breast had stashed the plans in the designated CL17 and it and its larger counterpart 0R1S descended to the planet below within an escape pod.

Meanwhile, on the planet below, a young man named Johnson T. King was running an errand for his uncle. The two droid that helped on their family's farm 93N and 1S had been destroyed by wandering food mongrels that had attacked their dwelling. Johnson was tasked with finding replacements for these droids. He had only gone about five kilometers when an escape pod crashed violently in front of his speeder. The droids CL17 and 0R1S arose from this hot crater. Not believing his luck, Johnson packed them in his speeder and sped back home. After talking with the two, Johnson learned of their ties to the Rebellion. He also uncovered the message from Princess Large Breasts asking for help from a Kanobi Wang. Not knowing such a person, Johnson wondered if the message was referring to the hermit Big Wang and decided to take CL17 and 0R1S to the hermit's residence.

After arriving at Big Wang's adobe, CL17 proceeded to play the entire message from the esteemed Princess Large Breasts. She explains that the plans held by CL17 are very important the success of the Rebellion, and that it is imperative that it and its counterpart 0R1S are delivered safely to the planet _Alldataste_. The princess bent forward, stressing the importance of this message before the tape ends and the Big Wang contemplated the message. Then he informed Johnson that within him lies a power known as "the penetrating power" and should follow his father as servants of the front side. Johnson was at first confused, but then, after Big Wang shows him his fathers heavy saber and explained his death at the hand of Dark Large Boots, Johnson decides it's best to abandon his home and go with Big Wang to _Alldataste_. So, Big Wang, Johnson, CL17 and 0R1S walked down to the nearest spaceport: Joints and Lines.

Once they reached the infamous Joints and Lines, Big Wang and Johnson sold their speeders to get some cash for the journey. The headed into the seedy Natural Cantina and Spirits to look for potential captains for hire. The group was forced to leave CL17 and 0R1S outside which created a small conflict with a punk that tried to steal the valuable droids. However, one swipe of Big Wang's heavy saber and destroyed something that was much more precious to the would-be robber. The punk tried to grab for his descending jewels while he screamed and ran away from Big Wang's thick column of death. After this incident, Big Wang and Johnson decided that CL17 and 0R1S were safe and headed into the bar. Assailed by loud music and conversations spoken in hundreds of languages, they made their way to a seat at the back were a lone man sat. He introduced himself as Hands Solo, and said that he had a ship, the _Millennium Swallow_. After agreeing to take the two organics, CL17 and 0R1S to _Alldataste_, Solo introduced the group to his co-pilot named "Large 8 foot tall sodomizing fur covered humanoid with a tendency to grunt violently both on the battlefield, in bed, or on the losing side of a chess game". However, Tater Troopers busted in, cutting off the introductions. They opened fire on the _Millennium Swallow_; their blasters ejaculated burning bolts of plasma at the fleeing ship. However, this was not enough to break through the hull and the group escaped to the relative safety of the stars. Once on route to _Alldataste_, the group sat in the _Millennium Swallow's_ reck-room. "Large 8 foot tall sodomizing fur covered humanoid with a tendency to grunt violently both on the battlefield, in bed, or on the losing side of a chess game" and 0R1S played a game of chess while CL17 watched, its droid brain amused at the potential for violence. On the other side of the room, Big Wang, Johnson, and Hands Solo discuss politics. Despite Big Wang's and Johnson's view that the Rebellion for a Better Breakfast was the right cause, Hands was indifferent. He felt that food was food and he would eat what he could get. Hands was also skeptical about "the penetrating power" saying that he preferred a good blaster to the mumbo jumbo of the mystics. So, the flight continued, with 0R1S only having to be repaired two more times as a result of disagreements with "Large 8 foot tall sodomizing fur covered humanoid with a tendency to grunt violently both on the battlefield, in bed, or on the losing side of a chess game", and as they were only a half a day away from _Alldataste_, Big Wang collapses.

Several days earlier, in the land of the EMC, Darth Large Boots had finished integrating Princess Large Breasts about the location of the rebel base. He felt her answers were inadequate as they only lead his troops to a long abandoned base. In order to extract more information from her, he orders the colossal super weapon code-named "Large space-station of tremendous power that looks suspiciously like a moon of Saturn". After the "Large space-station of tremendous power that looks suspiciously like a moon of Saturn" arrived in the _Alldataste _system, Darth Large Boots threatened the princess with the _greasenation _of her home world. She cried out in alarm and named the first random system that popped into her head: the mountainous would of _Tytioun_. Darth Large Boots ordered troops be sent there and then greasenated her planet anyway to make an impact. He then retired to his room to polish his boots and work on new plans to secure the galaxy.

Back on the _Millennium Swallows_, Big Wang recovered from his fainting spell. He explained that the sudden presence of a large influx of terror and death with "the penetrating power", and concluded that an agent of the backside of the power must have caused this. The whole crew anxiously awaited their arrival to _Alldataste_ so they could perhaps clear up the mystery that surrounded the incident. When the _Millennium Swallows_ arrived in the _Alldataste_ system they found nothing but giant greasy blobs of matter, floating everywhere in space. Confused as to what had happened, while rechecking the coordinates they stumbled into the path of the "Large space-station of tremendous power that looks suspiciously like a moon of Saturn" and were caught in its tractor beam and brought aboard. The group used the well-placed holes of the _Millennium Swallows_ to evade detection, and waited until the perfect moment to spring a trap and bring down a pair of Tater Troopers for their uniforms so that they may disable the tractor beams undetected. After they arrived in one of the many communication hubs, CL17 rouse to the challenge and hacked into the mainframe. Big Wang then stated that he would check it out and would report to the room to collect the rest once he had completed the job. A few minutes after Big Wang left, CL17 begins to beep ecstatically. When Solo inquired as to what it was going on about 0R1S translates, and reveals that Princess Large Breasts is on the station, locked away in one of the detention cells. Johnson supports going and knowledge of the princess's reputation convince Solo to go. With Solo came "Large 8 foot tall sodomizing fur covered humanoid with a tendency to grunt violently both on the battlefield, in bed, or on the losing side of a chess game" while the droids were left behind to man the room and provide computer support. Disguised as Tater Troopers taking a prisoner to the cells, Johnson, Hands, and "Large 8 foot tall sodomizing fur covered humanoid with a tendency to grunt violently both on the battlefield, in bed, or on the losing side of a chess game" make their way up to the Princess's cell without hassle. While Hands and "Large 8 foot tall sodomizing fur covered humanoid with a tendency to grunt violently both on the battlefield, in bed, or on the losing side of a chess game" secured the main cell area, Johnson made his way to the princess's cell.

He opened the door and she proceeds to remark on his smallness in comparison to the other Tater Troopers. Johnson then revealed that he was there with the intent of rescuing her from the imprisonment of the EMC. A group of Tater Troopers attacked them as they exited the cell and the group was pinned down by blaster fire. As the booming retorts of the burning bolts echoed in the hall, Princess Large Breasts took Hands' blaster and shot a hole in garbage shoot cover, which provided an avenue for escape. They landed with a splash into mushy garbage, and proceeded to make their way out of the shoot by means of a service hatchway. Dripping wet, Princess Large Breasts took command of the small group easily, and they made their way back to the droids where both CL17 and 0R1S were happy to see their former master. Hoping that Big Wang had disabled the tractor beam, Hands and "Large 8 foot tall sodomizing fur covered humanoid with a tendency to grunt violently both on the battlefield, in bed, or on the losing side of a chess game" took point in leading the group back down to the _Millennium Swallows_. Johnson commented on the eerily clear path as they sunk back down to the docking bay and the reason for this presented itself when they arrived. Big Wang and Darth Large Boots were engaged in a heavy saber due in which Big Wang was losing. This fight was surrounded by Tater Trooper onlookers explaining the lack of their presence in the halls. Hands, "Large 8 foot tall sodomizing fur covered humanoid with a tendency to grunt violently both on the battlefield, in bed, or on the losing side of a chess game", the princess, CL17, and 0R1S made their way to the ship while Johnson remained glued to the fight. He cried out in horror as Darth Large Boots cut Big Wang in half, sternum to rectum and thus alerted the Tater Troopers to the presence of the group. Despite this they were able to escape and unknowingly carry a tracking device to the hidden rebel based located on the moon know only as V461N4.

After they touched down in one of the cavernous holes that dominated the moon's landscape, Princess Large Breasts immediately took CL17 to rebel General Orgasma for the analysis of the plans to attempt to find a weak spot in "Large space-station of tremendous power that looks suspiciously like a moon of Saturn's" construction. Several hours later, they made their report; there was in fact a weak spot. The pilots were briefed on the fact that there was a one-meter square hole present on the superstructure. If a torpedo was shot down this entrance the station's reactor would overlord and the "Large space-station of tremendous power that looks suspiciously like a moon of Saturn" would explode into hundreds of tiny pieces. Unsatisfied with these long odds Hands and "Large 8 foot tall sodomizing fur covered humanoid with a tendency to grunt violently both on the battlefield, in bed, or on the losing side of a chess game" collected their reward and got far away. As they ran, Johnson visited Princess Large Breasts for some last minute inspiration before the EMC forces arrived.

Finally, the moment of judgment arrived. The "Large space-station of tremendous power that looks suspiciously like a moon of Saturn" arrived in the system containing moon V461N4 and prepared to get a lock with its devastating weapon. The Rebellion launched all its ships in an attempt to destroy the station using the information found in the plans. Unfortunately for the life of the rebellion, the "Large space-station of tremendous power that looks suspiciously like a moon of Saturn" immediately launched scores and scores of fighters and within seconds all the forces, including the fighter which contained Johnson and CL17 were destroyed. The station then proceeded to greaseinate V461N4 and the rest of the Rebellion. Darth Large Boots laughed to himself thinking that evil would always triumph because good was dumb. An age of cooperate crap food had descended upon the galaxy.


End file.
